


If this is my last night with you...

by Katherinexx1



Category: The X-Files RPF
Genre: All About Eve, F/M, London, dressingroom
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-19
Updated: 2019-06-16
Packaged: 2020-03-08 01:58:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18885799
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katherinexx1/pseuds/Katherinexx1
Summary: London - All about Eve - Gillian gets an unannounced visitor.If this is my last night with youHold me like I'm more than just a friendGive me a memory I can useTake me by the hand while we do what lovers doIt matters how this ends'Cause what if I never love again?I don't need your honestyIt's already in your eyesAnd I'm sure my eyes, they speak for meNo one knows me like you doAnd since you're the only one that mattersTell me who do I run to?- "All I ask" by Adele -





	1. *Hold me like I'm more than just a friend*

**Author's Note:**

> *If this is my last night with you  
> Hold me like I'm more than just a friend*

**All About Eve**  
Noel Coward Theatre  
London, England.

**23rd February 2019**

My eyes travel through the crowd, languidly, slowly, patiently, accepting the applause, the standing ovation, the deafening cheers. I do it every night, every day, hoping to see  that  familiar face  in the audience . Someone I have been wanting to see for so long, a glimpse, a ghost maybe. But until now... I have been completely out of luck... Doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome, “ _ the definition of insanity” _ , someone used to quote Einstein. 

I miss _someone_.　   
  
I am incredibly grateful to have gotten to play this part;  it's a  fantastic role in  an  even more amazing production. The cast has been an amazing choice, the team that made it all happen has made it even better, but every single night, I have been doubting myself and my mind has  been wandering  off into long, lost memories.    
  
My life has become a rollercoaster of so many highs, lows, the frightening and thrilling.   
  
_ You are amazing, Gillian!  _ I can hear them scream, but why can’t I believe them? And  _ them _ ... do any of them really even know me?  _ We love you!  _ Why can’t I love myself with that same kind of devotion?   
  
One final time, I bow my head and take one, last, long look  out  into the audience before I slowly leave the stage. Lily accompanies me, we hug and go our separate ways to our dressing rooms. Lily is great ;  she's young, talented and we do shine together on stage. I never doubt her, night after night, I only doubt myself.  I continue to doubt myself, leaving me to wonder exactly why that is?   
  
Before I disappear into the comfort and seclusion of my  private  room, Lily calls out to me.  _ "Please, get some rest Gill, you seem so tired. You were so great today, as always! Love you, see you on Monday."   _

She has one of those soothing voices that calms me every time. She  is  young but she knows what to say and when to set me back on the right track. And indeed, she was so right. I'm fuckin' tired and need a day off,  to recharge...to be alone.  I thank her, blow her a kiss, wave my hand gently before I slowly enter my dressing room. The silence of it calms my soul. I love being alone, without  ever  feeling lonely at all.   
  
There is a small rectangular envelope  on the table near my mirror, next to a plate  that had a  wonderful looking  cake on it.   
  
Inside the envelope is a  fractionally smaller  white card saying  _ "Eat me! X" _ .    
  
Suddenly,  I'm very hesitant ...  eating things  with no knowledge of where they came from,  it's risky in my line of work.  Before I can even make up my mind  about whether or not to  eat  the delicious looking snacks  a loud  noise  startles me.　   
  
My left-hand  finds my sore  right  shoulder, massaging the spot as good as I can, while I turn around to  open  the door  to see who it is.   
  
It's Ivo,  the director of our production of 'All About Eve', come to tell me how great the performance  to night was. I accepted each compliment,  graciously, and with a shy smile on my lips. I still had so much riding on every performance and the nervousness still plagued me to my core, in spite of every kind word spoken. We are, after all, our own worst critics and I still managed to take that kind of ideal straight to my soul.   
  
_ "Also, the  _ _ cake _ _  is safe to eat, don't worry," _ he adds, smiling widely  and  making me think he put it there.　  
_ "Oh yes,  _ _ I almost forgot...  _ _ your chiropractor is here to treat your shoulder, shall I let her in?" _ __  
__  
I nod and thank him, wishing him a pleasant  rest of the  night.    
  
Before he leaves he says:  _ "Make sure you take enough rest, day off tomorrow and no signing tonight. And Gillian, be careful when you head home, a big blizzard  _ _ is likely to  _ _ hit the city." _ __  
__  
I  only listened to the first part of his message,  distracted by  my  growling  stomach  and suddenly  the  mysterious cake  looks more than  a little  delicious and very welcome.   
  
Using my  fingers,  I  peel little pieces off  the side of the Molten Dark Chocolate Lava cake  and taste how wonderful ly sweet  and magnificent it is,  just the energy boost I need right now.   
  
The  deep tissue  massage the chiropractor gave me was so needed and  felt indescribably wonderful . My muscles were so tense and sore, stress ha ving  invaded my body  over the last few weeks  and I couldn't seem to get rid of it  on my own.   
  
The moment  the masseuse  left ...  the silence, the solitude returned and I love it.   
  
I  set about removing the  many layers of makeup  covering  my face ( along with  my wig) after the treatment o n  my shoulder.    
  
I slip into my comfy  black  yoga pants,  midnight blue  t-shirt and curl up on the couch enjoying the rest of my more than  a little bit fancy chocolate cake .   
  
I can’t shake the fact that it reminds me of a wonderful  cake  shop in NYC where I used to hang out  a lot . It was a  tiny  bakery hidden in the  heart  of the city but a true gem. Wherever this  one  came from, it really tasted like  it was from  that place  which seemed impossible.   
  
NYC always hits me hard thinking about it. There's that rollercoaster  starting up  again...the nights, days and moments spent there were more than precious to me.  There aren't enough words to  describe what that city gave me  during the years I was there;  It had given  me lasting  friendship, magic, and love.   
  
_ Love _ ...I  can  taste the word in my mouth and on my lips. LOVE  is what  this  cake , NYC  and  **_David_  ** all mean to me. ****  
****  
FUCK, there it was  -  his name. I promised myself  I wouldn't  think about him anymore, it was too painful. As soon as his name rolled o ff of my tongue , I realize I  had  said it out loud  in this empty room.   
  
I close my eyes for a second, afraid someone might have heard it, my fingers  holding onto  the plate  tightly, the leftover cake  crumbs remind me from the delicious dark chocolate  danish  I just ate.   
  
I press my lips firmly together, preventing myself from ever speaking that name again  and keep  my eyes  closed , try ing  to relax as my breathing slows down.    
  
I’m counting…counting until the image of him  in my mind disappears ,  I need it to disappear before it overwhelms me.   
  
When I feel calm and grounded enough, I slowly open my eyes and let my gaze travel  across  the floor to the door  of my private dressing room .    
  
My eyes  almost  never played tricks on me, but now I even start to doubt my own eyes.

  
  
_ "I'm here," _ a soft, sweet  and extremely  familiar voice answered the  confusion  in my gaze.   
  
For a moment I  am  speechless, I fe el  completely numb, seeing and feeling his presence in the room  with me.   
  
I wasn't able to move, to see him standing there in front of me  I was in shock , it must have looked like I saw a ghost.   
  
_ "Surprise!"  _ he whispers softly, approaching my still frozen  form  on the couch.   
  
An  awkwardly large smile  appears on my face  but with a confused undertone to it.   
  
My hands reached out to him,  of their own accord,  while my legs force me to stand up.    
  
The moment our  hands'  touch, I fe el  it again - the same magic I felt  back  in New York, Vancouver  and  LA. In fact, everywhere David ha s  ever touched me  when we were alone together.   
  
It  threw  me off guard. I wasn't expecting this... not now, not today, not this kind of force  of nature  slamming  into  my  aching and tired  body.   
  
David  gently took  hold of  my  shaking  hands and pulled me closer, wrapping me in the warm  comfort  of his touch and  embrace  unaware of what  such an innocent and kind action sparked  in me.   
  
_ Oh my fucking God _ , I curse silent ly. It  feels so good to  have his arms around me like this again, after so long apart.   
  
I love how he hugs me; his warmth, his strength, the way his chin grazes  the top of my head ,  the way  his hands traveling down my spine...   
  
_ "I didn't see you in the audience, you didn't notify me you were coming?" _ I babble,  totally  out of control  and completely oblivious to the fact that he actually attended the play  earlier tonight.   
  
I still can't believe he is here and  hugg ing my body tightly  against his , his thumbs gently massag ing 　my  suddenly tense again  shoulders.    
  
David  moved away, slowly,  ushering us  both  back over to  the couch to sit down.   
  
I 'm sure the stunned look on my face is more than a little ridiculous at this point, so I try to  focus my eyes on his  curious face ,  but I'm  still in  complete  awe of his presence  here.   
  
_ "Didn't want to make you nervous by telling you..."  _ he said, while his hand  rested  on my thigh.    
  
He definitely kn o w s  me.   
  
_ " _ _ So,  _ _ I called Ivo to make arrangements for me to attend the play and I got him to deliver the chocolate cake you like so much." _ __  
__  
His velvety deep  voice g e t s  to me every single time  and  I  could feel  how my fingers curled  carefully  around his hand on my thigh.    
  
I break eye contact  for a brief second, switching back and forth between  both of our hands on  my  thigh  and his eyes.   
  
_ "All the way from New York..." _ __  
__  
_ "I knew it,"  _ I almost screamed,  and saw a  soft smile  appear on his face at  my reaction.    
  
I stopped myself from behaving childish, although he didn't really care if I did, but I wanted to behave and not make a complete fool of myself. I  quickly  fixed my posture and thank ed  him for bringing me the  cake  and attending my play -  All About Eve.   
  
_ "You were so amazing Gillian!"  _ he complimented me several times _ "... and that red silk dress..." _  he chuckled  obviously pleased by what he saw.    
  
I avoided his eyes, compliments were still hard to accept, especially from him. I was nervous as fuck being  alone  with him like this, in this dressing room, only inches away from each other. The ache I fel t  is so hard to control.    
  
David  is so sweet, so caring, so careful - so David - . Why is it so hard to let him in, to let him be a part of my life?　 The  times we spend together in the past always ended up in heartbreak, with moments of incredible passion and love in between. I remembered how it all was - in his arms, in his bed, in his life, the laughter, the tears... I was truly happy with him. BUT...   
  
There's always a but... these moments of passion were indescribable. I still feel the lingering feeling of being together run through my veins, but I have to be strong. I can't give in, I can't... but damn he has this wonderful sweetness going on  and  he came to see me, he bought  cake , he's here, with me...  because he wants to be.   
  
I decided to just try to enjoy the moment we ha ve  together.   
  
Suddenly his hand  is  touch ing  mine, his finger running crescent moon shapes over  the inside of my  wrist. It startled me,  and I immediately  meet his gaze. His eyes pierced right through me and with a  smooth tone of  voice he cut right through me like a warm knife through butter.   
  
_ "I'm happy I could surprise you, you're such a control freak and it's so damn hard to surprise you," _ 　he spoke in his usual monotonous voice.　   
  
_ "I'm happy you  _ _ came tonight _ _ ,  _ _ David _ _ " _   
  
I surprise myself with my answer. It was so bold and honest, and I  never  doubted for a second he would appreciate my bluntness.   
  
I  searched his eyes,  seeing  the safeness and the softness of him  in them . It was stronger than ever,  even though  we've been apart for  far  too long. I know we made  a mutual  decision and it was a good one, for both of us but still, my heart ached for him. I 've always  needed him in my life  and  although we used to hate each other at times, we have a  unique  friendship.  An undeniable  need to be together.   
  
A  kind,  thankful smile made his face even softer  and  the subtle aging lines were giving his face character, ma king  him even more attractive.   
  
I couldn't tear my eyes away from him but felt myself becoming shy and insecure after  my  honest answer  while desperately trying to  hide the fact I was so intensely happy he was with me in my dressing room.   
  
_ "Have to be honest, started missing you too,"  _ he chuckled seeing my nervous  fidgety  reaction.   
  
My  insecurity  quickly  disappeared and made room for some  ill-conceived  flirtatious behavior.  Even though  I knew he had that effect on me, we  clearly  both couldn't resist flirting  with each other.   
  
_ "Sorry I missed your tour,"  _ I sa y barely above a whisper , " _ but from what I've seen, it was pretty great?!". _   
  
He nodded while smiling widely  and  I couldn't  help but  smil e  as well as a reaction to his boyish charm.   
  
I lean closer into his body as if my heart needed to be closer to his  and  I c a n't fight it.  I don't even want to fight it.  In a way we were so connected, soulmates, wandering souls...   
  
With my head down,  nearer  to his, my voice cracked  when I spoke again  _ "Peter is picking me up every night after the play," _ 　I hesitated,  waiting for  his reaction. His eyes turned in my direction,  looking straight through  mine, making me weak as fuck.　 _ "Did you come alone?"　 _ I dared to ask.   
  
I  briefly  met  his gaze,  unsure if I wanted to know the answer.   
  
_ "No, Monique is with my assistant, we came together.",　 _ he responded ,  notic ing  my  curious  eyes. I couldn’t help it, but I sighed. I knew he was  still  dating her, and he knew I was  with Peter but I wished it were different.   
  
_ "Gillian, I didn’t come here to talk about her," _ David whispered .　 _ "I wanted to see you, alone, so they _ _ 've  _ __ already left."　  
His voice got so much softer and soothing. As if he didn’t want me to feel pain or  be  hurt. In some way, he knew how I felt about  him, us... about all of it.    
  
Out of the blue, after a long silence,　 _ "I had to change my Mark Mann picture, 'he' was a little offended by it," _ 　I softly blurt out, feeling that I had to tell David,  that  I had to get it out of my system.   
  
_ "It reminded him too much of 'Us'," _ 　I noticed how his fingers twitched,  slightly,  when I mentioned "us", his head cocked and his gaze was soft as butter.   
  
_ "So I'm afraid he won't understand what you're doing here if he arrives to get me...,"  _ my voice d ying  as soon as his  large, warm  hand grasped m y much smaller and colder ones .   
  
_ "I can visit my friend who I _ _ 've  _ _ known for over 26 years, right?"   _ he whispered  quie tly against my cheek while his thumb caressed  the top of  my hand.   
  
Shyly, I smile and me e t his gaze when I  lift  my head up again, my lips curl ing  into a soft smile.    
  
I just couldn't resist his charm.  Honestly, I never had been able to.   
  
_ "You like the fact that I'm here, right?" _ 　he confronted me brutally,  giving me  no other choice than saying yes  because it was the truth.   
  
_ "Where is  _ _ my  _ _ Gillian? The one who stood up for herself, didn't want any man to control her or her life?" _ David  continued,  voicing  the thing s  I so  desperately  needed to hear. His eyes pierced my soul, deep into my heart, he was so right and I had to admit it.  It was eating me up inside.   
  
I hesitated,  running  my tongue over my lips in nervousness.  _ "Yes, it's all true. But he's just very protective over me, he doesn't want to lose me, you know?"　 _ I sa y  as fiercely as I c an .   
  
_ "You say this as if he’s afraid of losing you… because of me?" _ 　he  replied  slowly. Doubt in his voice, but still sweet and caring.   
  
I shift nervously  next to him , my eyes trying to avoid his investigating gaze.　   
  
_ "He knows our history, David." _ 　I sigh.　 _ "He knows how we are when we are together... how difficult it is to hold back... how tempting it is for both of us to slip, how you make me feel"　 _ __  
__  
He stopped me, his thumb graz ing  my lips softly while his fingers  brush over  my cheek - There it was... right there...  our  history.    
  
It startled me, making my gaze lock with his immediately... without doubt, without hesitation.    
  
_ "I love our history," _ 　his smooth voice broke the sizzling silence  that  he  had  created, fingertips running through my hair, gently massaging the tensed skin of my neck, caressing my sore shoulder moving  over my arm to　interlace his fingers with mine.    
  
His eyes had followed his own movements.   
  
I look up at him,  watching, as  he moved his gaze over my body  and back  to my face, my eyes bore deep into his trying to understand his plan, his goal - _him_.   
  
After all these years, I still hadn’t figured him out completely. The man was a mystery, an enigma  that  I was still drawn to. Trying to solve him, unravel him...  it consumed me.   
  
I wanted to say so much but I choked, I just couldn’t form words. My brain couldn’t think  straight  anymore.  Of course,  David always had this kind of effect on me. It was undeniable how we were connected, after all these years, and still were.   
  
_ "Let’s go somewhere…" _ 　he whispered when my head hit his shoulder. His arm  wrapping  around my tiny frame while my body rested against his, I was exhausted and he wasn’t helping at all. All these feelings started rushing  through  my veins, I had to admit I 've  missed the way I was feeling right now. The adrenaline, the tension, the friendship and love I felt just from his words and his presence.   
  
As much as I wanted to say yes to him... scream yes,  in fact.  I had to decline his offer.    
  
I shook my head softly, trying not to let him see my pain  and whispered against his neck:　 _ "I can’t… Peter" _   
  
I noticed how he shivered lightly from feeling my warm breath against his skin,  still,  he was silent - almost numb,  I imagine  - his arm was still draped around my shoulder, while his fingers lazily drew circles on my  upper  arm.   
  
_ "But you do want to…?" _ 　he  asked  carefully  but  it cut right through my skin piercing my heart.   
  
My fingers f i nd his cheek  and  slowly  I  moved my head up, lips graz ing  his stubbl y  cheek.   
  
I  could  smell his  unique  scent, his masculine delicate aftershave penetrating my nostrils, and almost tasted him on my lips. I couldn’t control myself in this seductive act, it was all  his fault.   
  
I  gently  turn  his face in my direction, his eyes caught mine and in a breathy whisper I answered him, my breath brush ing  his cheek:　 __ "Yes"   
  
I knew this was  ridiculously  dangerous and that I was playing with fire, but it was stronger than every single resistance I had in me.   
  
We ha ve  history, turbulent, not always very pretty and romantic but  a  history  that is ours.   
Neither one of us  could fight this  overwhelming  power, this attraction, this chemistry between us. It was visible in the air whenever we  found ourselves  in the same room.   
  
His mouth briefly ran over mine, softly, exploring boundaries, carefully.    
  
My lips quiver ing in  anticipation, I wanted this as badly as he did.    
  
I enjoyed how his warmth touched me, his lips nipp ing  gently  at  mine. Our breaths mix ing , the first real physical connection slowly drawing me closer to him, hypnotizing me with his charm and softness.   
  
Just when I wanted to give in to  the  kiss, my phone started ringing. It startled us both, making me  pull  back. I noticed how David sl ow ly opened his eyes, completely oblivious and star struck by what  had  almost happened. He smiled, comforting me and  letting me know  it was okay to answer my phone while  looking on  lovingly.   
  
A familiar voice brutally woke me from my dream...  it was  Peter.


	2. *We're not scared of what's coming next or scared of having nothing left*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> See the stone set in your eyes  
> See the thorn twist in your side  
> I'll wait for you  
> Sleight of hand and twist of fate  
> On a bed of nails she makes me wait  
> And I wait, without you
> 
> With or without you  
> With or without you
> 
> Through the storm we reach the shore  
> You give it all but I want more  
> And I'm waiting for you
> 
> With or without you  
> With or without you
> 
> I can't live  
> With or without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It’s as if you keep falling in love over and over and over again. That’s the best explanation I could give if ever anyone would ask me what David’s effect is on me.
> 
> I am so ready to fall for him again completely, no boundaries. I am so fucking ready, and I even doubt for a second that I haven’t already fallen. I feel so complete, so happy being this fugitive on the loose right now. He completes me."
> 
> -Gillian -

**Chapter 2**

**Dressing room – Noël Coward Theatre - London**

**23** **rd** **February 2019**

__

_ “He is stuck at the airport…,”  _ suddenly my voice sounded hoarse and it seemed I said it to remind myself what Peter had just said. My eyes searched the room in disbelief, finally meeting the safeness of David’s gaze.

As if his eyes were a lighthouse guiding me home, an anchor to a ship on a rough sea, a beacon in the night, they were the safe haven I so needed at this point. It numbed me completely. I tossed my phone in the corner of the couch while I move towards David.

_ “He’s not picking me up,”  _ I whispered when my body fell softly against his broad chest, inhaling his scent, filling my lungs with him. My hands landed flat on his abs and clavicle, feeling how tense his muscles were when he wrapped his arms lovingly around me. My head fell securely under his chin and reminded me of old times. I felt so safe, I felt at home…

_ “He told me to be careful… to get a hotel near the theatre to be safe in this blizzard _ ,” my lips whispered softly against his shirt, slowly closing my eyes to let the feeling of being as safe as possible sink in. I couldn’t be anywhere more safe as here, in his arms, my brain informed me.

_ “Apparently it’s snowing outside,” _  I mumbled to myself, completely consumed by his sweet embrace. David was completely silent, he didn’t say a word. He just listened to me, letting me know he was here with me.

I never felt safer in this storm in my life right now. I stopped worrying about ‘what if’ and ‘why?’ and ‘how?’. Time stood still at this very moment.

His hands rubbed my spine, gently moving up and down, holding me in the security of his arms, while his lips softly pressed a sweet kiss on my hair.

“ _ Fate?”  _ I felt how his lips brushed my hair while he spoke.

I couldn’t suppress a smile as I snuggled against his body, wrapping my own arms around him. It reminded me of a bunch of scenes we did together, brief moments we shared as Scully and Mulder, but many memories of David and Gillian which formed our history surfaced in my mind.

His hands grasped my cheeks softly, making me look at him. His smile almost killed me, so soft and sweet. I couldn’t help but smile back while returning his gaze. I’m still in awe of how good looking this guy really was. The soft strokes of his thumbs combined the soft peck he gave me on my lips and made me weak. A weakness I could only tolerate when he caused it. Only he had the power of making me this level of shy and weak at the same time.

He caught me off guard, I wasn’t ready for this, but still, I felt like a teenager again in his presence. A feeling I thought I’d lost.

Without saying a word, I left his hug and grabbed my phone from the couch. My assistant needed to inform the crowd outside I already left, and get them to be safe for the storm. Also, we needed to leave without anyone standing outside waiting like they do every night. 

I watched David make himself comfortable on the couch, letting me do my thing. His eyes never left me, I could feel his glare pierce my skin.

I requested a car at the alley leading towards the stage door to pick us up, and bring us wherever our hearts craved to be.

I was still on my phone when he approached me and wrapped his arms around me, making my back fall gently against his chest. It was his way of showing me he appreciated what I was doing for us. US… so long ago, but still strong.

David could be incredibly sweet, but the way he kissed my neck and how his hands held my hips, made me melt. I so missed the way he touched me and made me feel. A feeling I didn’t know until now could ever exist again in my life.  

I thanked my assistant and let my head fall against his shoulder. A gesture like a surrender, not out of weakness, but out of strength. This was what I really wanted.  His lips were still carefully exploring the flushed skin of my neck. I shivered and he responded with a wide smile, knowing he made my body react the way it did.

_ “Ok with this?” _  his velvet voice startled me, his warm breath brushed over the delicately sensitive spot under my earlobe. His fingers dug gently into my stomach. My hand covered his hands and we interlaced fingers. I hummed before I could answer, I almost forgot how romantic Mr. Duchovny could be around me.

_ “This… being –this-?”  _ I flirted… more than okay with ‘this’, meaning the way he held me and made me sway.

_ “Or this… meaning planning on running away together?”  _ I whispered without really needing his answer. I turned around in his arms, facing him. His eyes immediately met mine. I tiptoed and softly, but unexpectedly kissed him on his lips. A touch so light and soft he probably barely noticed. I needed to check my boundaries, but until now, my wall was completely down, crumbled into gravel around our feet.

A loud knock on my dressing room door informed me that the car was ready for us.  

_ “I think I’ve got my answer,” _  he chuckled, pressing a chaste kiss on my forehead, while his fingertips traced my cheeks and jaw lightly. He slowly moved back and grabbed his jacket and belongings from the side table in the corner of the room.

I swiftly took a few things and put them in my overnight bag, which he automatically carried for me and conveniently guided me out the door. Side by side, without speaking, he walked behind me.

We walked through the stage door opening to the street where the car was waiting. His hand on the small of my back, his way of letting me know he was there.

Snowflakes fell down so silently and slowly it almost looks like time had stopped. Everything slowed down...our walk to the car, his sweet gestures in the way over, the way his arm folded around me as if he was protecting me from the cold cruel world outside, and his little wink when I caught his gaze before I got into the car.

I had to admit I only remembered the song that was playing in the car. Being a huge U2 fan, I just recognized it from the first two notes.

_ *Intro U2 – with or without you* _

The music, the melody, it immediately pierced my aching troubled heart. It was our song, it told our story, our history, our struggle…

A struggle I was so done with at this point.

I noticed David making arrangements with the driver. I guess he was guiding him to the hotel he suggested. I was completely blown away by the music playing in the car. The snow, time slowing down, the music, David, …

_ *See the stone set in your eyes _ __  
_ See the thorn twist in your side _ __  
_ I'll wait for you _ __  
_ Sleight of hand and twist of fate _ __  
_ On a bed of nails, she makes me wait _ _  
_ __ And I wait, without you*

For me, time stood still as I got comfortable in the car with David by my side. Snow was still falling down on the street as it formed a cushion to soften the pain I was feeling. The few doubts I had doing this vanished when I stared into David’s eyes, but I did feel pain because of the time it took us to finally realize where we belonged. I’m sure David felt the same thing when he heard the lyrics.

He held my hand, his fingers interlaced with mine and I couldn’t wish for anything else at that very moment. Once the car started moving, I searched his eyes, I needed this security. I felt like the woman in this song and David knew, he knows me so well. He feels it too, he has the same struggles I have.

It’s like he understands me without words. The song does the talking for us, we just need each other’s gaze and embrace. He squeezes my hand gently as a soft smile forms on his mouth. I do see regrets and doubts, not about running away like this together, not about his decisions, but about mine, about us and why.

_ *With or without you   
With or without you _

__ Through the storm, we reach the shore   
You give it all but I want more   
And I'm waiting for you*

I get completely emotional hearing this song in this setting. It suddenly makes sense. I can’t help it, can’t fight it, I hate it. David knows, but he also knows me, he knows the complexity of me, of being Gillian. His thumb finds my cheek, preventing my tear from running further over my skin. He wipes it softly from my face. I find his hand with mine and follow his movements over my skin. Briefly, I close my eyes and turn my face away from him, I enjoy the warmth of his hand on my cheek for a few seconds.

Why was I so afraid to go through with it, so many years ago? Why did I run away with someone else? Why did I hide? Why did I play pretend? Why did I lie? Not only to myself but to him as well? Why couldn’t I just commit to my friend, my soulmate, my David?

I feel how his eyes hold the sight of me and I hear him sigh lightly. Almost as if he could hear me think out loud.

_ *With or without you _ __  
_ With or without you _ __  
_ I can't live _ _  
_ __ With or without you

_ And you give yourself away _ __  
_ And you give yourself away _ __  
_ And you give _ __  
_ And you give _ _  
_ __ And you give yourself away*

_ “Don’t…,” _  his soft voice pierced through the heartbreaking song. He comforts me more than he knows.  _ “We’re here now… together.”  _ He whispered against my temple.  _ “Live now… this moment.”A _ s a wizard, he could enchant me with his words. At this point, I wanted nothing more than just to be with him, always, no more doubts.

* _ My hands are tied _ __  
_ My body bruised, she's got me with _ __  
_ Nothing to win and _ _  
_ __ Nothing left to lose*

For a moment I watched the lights of the city pass by, a silence that the snow had created made London a ghost city and I had to admit, I loved it.

I gently squeezed David’s hand, my thumb lightly drawing eight figures on his skin. He noticed it too. I turned to him again, meeting his hazel eyes. My eyes were focused on his face. I looked at his lips and back up to his eyes. This man is just so handsome, I realize again. Actually, I do every single time I lay eyes on him. 

It’s as if you keep falling in love over and over and over again. That’s the best explanation I could give if ever anyone would ask me what David’s effect is on me.

I am so ready to fall for him again completely, no boundaries. I am so fucking ready, and I even doubt for a second that  I haven’t already fallen. I feel so complete, so happy being this fugitive on the loose right now. He completes me.

“ _ Together,”  _ I say and my voice trembles. I notice how he reacts to my word. He is so soft when he is with me. We both change so much in each other’s presence. I get less tough and he gets romantic.

For a moment my mouth finds his and softly, my lips grasp his. I move back, I don’t want to force things. But the look he gave me after this peck tells me I am not forcing anything.

He wrapped me in his arms as my body falls against his chest. All I can do is grab the collar of his shirt to hold him even tighter to never let go.

_ *And you give yourself away _ __  
_ And you give yourself away _ __  
_ And you give _ __  
_ And you give _ _  
_ __ And you give yourself away

_ With or without you _ __  
_ With or without you _ __  
_ I can't live _ _  
_ __ With or without you*

The thoughts in my head slowly fade away as the song ends. The lyrics were replaced by David’s heartbeat, slow and steady.

The driver parked in some back alley of a hidden boutique hotel David picked out. Snow had piled up against the boardwalk and an icy wind howled through the alley. The driver securely placed my bag inside the doorway of the hotel. David paid him and made sure I got inside safely.

It’s an old Victorian building with refurbished rooms. Modern, but with an antique atmosphere. Old meets new, “ _ time for a change” _ , I think when we step in.

During our walk to our room, we both are nervous and silent. I do feel his hand on my back, guiding me through the corridors. We sometimes share a brief look, but no one really holds the gaze.

Before we enter the room, David stops me.

_ “Gill…,” _  he whispers in his low voice, drawing my attention with his finger hooked under my chin, forcing me gently to return his gaze.

_ “Only if you are okay with this…?”  _ he said once he got my attention. A thankful smile formed on my lips and without answering, I pushed the door open and entered before him.

I think he knows my answer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Leave a comment with your thoughts...
> 
> xxx


	3. *Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do  
> It matters how this ends  
> 'Cause what if I never love again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Your afterglow is one of the most precious things I ever saw,” he lovingly stated, pressing a small kiss on the tip of my nose.

**_Unknown hotel - London_ **

**_23_ ** **_rd_ ** **_February 2019_ **

The warmth of the room welcomed me, wrapping me in a cozy blanket of soft materials and colors. I loved the atmosphere, the ambiance and more than everything else… the company. Walking through the room, I slowly unbuttoned my jacket and hung it in the corner over a chair. When I turned around, David was right behind me, his eyes focused with his hands holding mine.

I wanted to say how wonderful this place was, but I just couldn’t speak, I was completely under his spell. A soft smile formed on my lips when his arms pulled me closer. It felt so good to be so close to him like this again, it felt so natural. History repeating itself and damn I loved this history.

His muscles tensed when my hands ran up over his arms, folding behind his neck guiding his head closer, giving him the confirmation he seemed to be seeking. After that, he didn’t need any more encouragement from me, his lips found mine instantly.

He kissed me in such a controlled, careful and soft way. His lush bottom lip supported mine as his upper lip brushed over my own. His sweet breath mixed with my little sighs while his tongue licked my lips before parting my mouth and entering gently.

I couldn’t remember being kissed like that recently. His right hand found my cheek and his thumb softly rubbed the flushed skin under my cheekbone, a gesture which made me feel at ease while he gently deepened his kiss. My mouth granted him access and his tongue softly slid over mine. Not rushed, not frantic, but calm and sweet. His kiss was so romantic, soft, smooth, velvet, I couldn’t find an adjective that fits perfectly.

He tasted just as I remembered he did. My nails scraped his scalp gently, as his free arm pulled me closer to his body. I gasped lightly and bit my lip when I felt his hand squeeze my ass.

As he moved back to catch his breath, I noticed my eyes had to open to find his loving gaze again. I needed it, wanted to see and feel everything. I giggled, struggling to show him how I really felt. How totally blown away that was.

His eyes bore into me, he looked at me in a way I had missed so much. A sweet loving smile made me smile as well. I felt shy, but so at ease with him.

_ “So that’s that…” _  he whispered proudly and happy he finally got to kiss me thoroughly, never breaking his gaze. Damn those eyes, he devoured me completely by looking like that at me.

I sighed, still recovering from his kiss, my legs were a bit wobbly and I felt hazy.

His fingertips gently touched my kiss-bruised lips, while his gaze moved from my eyes to my mouth. He chuckled in disbelief this finally happened and shook his head softly.

_ “Gill –“ _  he said dreamily while his eyes focused on my lips. He couldn’t finish his sentence, he just smiled and sighed.

I shushed him by tangling my fingers with his,  _ “Ssh, don’t say anything,”  _ I whispered against both our hands, slightly moving my eyes up over his frame,  _ “I’m here and I’m not going anywhere…” _  I continued while his gaze found my eyes again.

I stepped back, leaving the warmth of his body briefly, still connected through our tangled hands. I dimmed the lights and gently pushed him on the bed. I felt so desired by him, just by the way he looked at me and the way he made me feel. I found myself standing in between his legs. Slowly pulling my shirt over my head, while his hands rested on my hips.

He looked up at me as if I was some goddess he adored, it encouraged me to pursue what I was doing. His fingers massaged my sides gently, his lips were slightly parted, completely in awe of me.

My hands unbuttoned his shirt while he swiftly took it off, obeying me. He pulled me closer, his lips landing on my stomach. His tongue and lips carefully started exploring my skin. His fingertips guided the way, while his tongue licked and swirled my little P tattoo, moving over the still mentally painful scar. He was very gentle and his kisses were feather light.

My fingers ran through his soft hair, grazing his scalp with little scraps of my nails. His hands slowly moved from my sides over my spine to my neck, his touch made me shiver.

His touches, his caresses, and kisses. I can’t tell how much I’ve missed this, but looking down and seeing it with my own eyes, damn it looks so hot.

My head fell back when his thumbs pushed the waistband of my trousers down. I feel how my hips automatically wiggle to help him to slide my pants down. He gasped softly, making me quiver with anticipation with what was about to come.

Purely coincidental, I was wearing my dark blue lace lingerie set. David always loved dark blue lace on my pale skin.

_ “Definitely fate…” _  he muttered against my hip bone, referring to the lovely set I was wearing. His fingers traced the small rim where the lace met my milky skin. He teased me in the most adorable way. His warm breath made the little hairs on my belly stand up and I loved every move he made.

I carefully pushed him further down on the bed and his back landed on the soft bedding. My knees planted firmly on both sides of his body as I straddled myself in his lap. Lying helplessly down under me, he had no choice but to look up at me.

My hands crawled up over his abs to his firm chest. I could feel how his arousal pushed his jeans underneath my center. I loved the effect I still had on him. His hands gloved around my waist, slowly moving up until they reached my bra. The admiration in his eyes was striking, David loved the female form and I knew he still adored me.

My hips slowly rolled over his lap, I couldn’t stop or help it. It was a natural reaction to what he was doing to me. As his hands cupped my breasts, I almost lost it. I moaned when he carefully squeezed and massaged my aching flesh. I wanted to be in control, but I needed him to take over because I just couldn’t anymore.

His thumbs rolled my caged nipples and pushed my breasts up. The sensation of his fingers on my sensitive skin almost made me scream out with pleasure, but I managed to hold back.

As I reached to unhook my bra, his hands stopped me. My eyes flashed open and met his gaze. He sat up and pulled my hands down. I could feel how his abs worked hard to keep his posture. He sure had power and I felt so safe in his strong arms. His mouth, now at eyesight with my chest, covered mine in lace wrapped breast. His tongue scraped the fabric, and his teeth gritted the aching peak. My eyes rolled back and my fingers held his cheek and head in place.

_ “Oh, fuck…” _  escaped my throat in a loud moan when he finally unhooked the lace fabric and freed my aching breasts. He greedily sucked and licked my flushed skin. I sensed his smile as a reaction to my moans and sighs. Proud of what he was doing. I loved how his tongue flicked back and forth over the sensitive tips, making his thumbs spread his saliva, stimulating me even more.

I couldn’t help but feel how I ready I was getting. My hips were grinding hard on the poor guy’s lap over his jeans. He was so controlled, so determined, so thorough.

His mouth made love to my chest like I never experienced before. His sweet nibbles and suckling drove me crazy with desire. His hands seemed to be all over the place, I lost every sense of direction, my head spun and my heart raced.

He supported my back with one hand, preventing me from falling back. I was weak, weak to his touches and to his lovemaking. I didn’t want it to end, but I needed him inside of me.

Frantically I searched for his waistband, where I finally opened up his button and his zipper. He groaned feeling how I worked around his erection.

_ “Keep goin’ G woman,” _  he whispered through a soft aroused chuckle, making me pull his pants down the best I could. He sure didn’t wait, he grasped my arms and turned me swiftly on my back while his legs got rid of the jeans.

His erection sprung free when I pushed his boxers down, being captured underneath his naked frame, my nails dug into his back when he slowly slid my panties down. His hands caressed my thighs doing so, while his mouth found my lips and kissed me so passionately he could.

He let his head fall in the crook of my neck when I slowly caressed his hardness with languid strokes. He moaned into the mattress as my hand pumped slowly around him. I captured my bottom lip between my teeth, I loved the way he squirmed as I pleasured him. I could feel how he trembled when I increased my speed, moving my hand back and forth rapidly over him.

He almost exploded at that point. But he stopped me by gently making my hand stop.

His tongue played with mine, sliding over each other and exploring my lips.  My hips bucked into his center uncontrollably, pounding against his rock hard and ready arousal, I wanted him so badly to touch me.

_ “Touch me,” _  my voice desperately whispered against his ear, when he had moved his kisses to my neck and clavicle.

_ “As impatient as I remember you…” _  he mumbled while his tongue swirled my nipple. His hand slowly made his way down over my side, sliding between my legs. I trembled, quivered with anticipation, feeling how his fingers slowly massaged my inner thighs.

As his thumb approached the most sensitive bundle of nerves in my entire body, I felt myself trembling uncontrollably. To make it worse, he licked my nipple and sucked it hard. His teeth gritted the small nub and his tongue finished me completely.

While he worked his magic between my legs, I felt him shift over me. My moans got louder as he increased his pace. As I felt myself almost slip into the inevitable wave of an orgasm, he stopped his heavenly strokes.

_ "Not yet, honey,” _  his velvet monotone voice pierced my brain and grounded me again to this place and time. I almost left the face of the earth, but luckily, he got me back.

He could do whatever with me, I was totally defeated, every stone of my wall was crumbled to dust. I surrendered myself to his skilled hands, I didn’t care anymore about what was wrong or right. This right now was my right, only this, him and nothing else. I had found him again and he had found me, together, bound forever. No one could ever understand our connection and no one could ever break us apart. Many had tried, but no one had ever succeeded, and I wouldn’t let them.

He interlaced his fingers with mine. I love when he does that, it’s so romantic. His other hand brushed a few tendrils of my hair out of my face. His gaze went deep and I could read the pure love in his eyes. Not the lust I’ve seen before when we used to have sex. Now it’s devotion and love that I’m seeing.

I answered him not only with my gaze but also with my body, with everything I have. He lowered his head and kissed me passionately

“Dave…” I plead lovingly after breaking his kiss. He knew what I meant, he felt it too, he needed and wanted it too. His fingers gently squeezed my hand as he rubbed his hardness over my overstimulated folds. I braced myself and my teeth found my bottom lip. I bit it hard as he slowly thrust inside, he moaned softly at the sensation, he was very careful and gentle although he wanted this so badly.

He gave me a minute to adapt myself to his length and width, it’s been a while and he knew that. But damn… he felt so wonderful. I felt how my inner walls massaged him and how my body reacted to him. It’s like it ached to be together with him again, after all these years.

His fingers were still holding mine, never breaking apart. He opened his eyes as do I as if I knew he wanted me to look at him. He didn’t move, he just looked at me, I felt it deep in my soul, the connection he was making.

This was chemistry… we invented that word, it’s us, all of us.

As I smiled at him, letting him know I’m more than ok, his pelvis started moving out of me. The friction was heavenly, he growls when he thrust back into me. And fucking hell this felt amazing…

My moans escaped my throat without any control, I just let it all out. His skin was glistening with sweat, his skilled hips bucked hard into me and I loved it.

As he slid in and almost completely out of me, I notice how my body adapts to him. I felt how my walls contract gently and how I got all tingly. My fingertips dug deep into his bicep, letting him know I loved every single movement he was making.

His body hovered over me, making him kiss me as passionately as he still could. His hips were skilled and drove into me in a tantalizing rhythm, my back arched when he touched that particular spot. My hands seemed all over the place. At times I pulled his hair, which made him groan hard. At other moments, my nails left traces on his back.

I wanted him deeper and closer than he already was, so I tilted my pelvis up, making my legs automatically wrap around his waist. The shift caused him to go even deeper. I cried out, it felt so wonderful and pure. 

I couldn’t hold back my moans and whimpers any longer, it seemed to encourage him to pleasure me even more. His groans got louder when he increased his speed.

_ “Oh honey…” _  his aroused, hoarse voice sang my pet name as a song… he couldn’t finish his sentence because I felt how my walls contracted around him, hard. I trembled as my fingertips pinched his biceps uncontrollably. I just hoped I didn’t hurt him. My hips grind and my back arches his arms scooped me up to give me some support and he pulled me closer to his body.

At that moment, I lost every sense of existence. I left the surface of the planet and floated through the galaxy. This feeling was so intense and wonderful, I just babbled incomprehensive words containing his name for sure. Although I felt the urge of saying those three meaningful words.

I didn’t want to just say them, I wanted to scream them, making the world know how I felt and how he made me feel. But I was insecure if this was the right time and if David felt the same.

The intenseness of this orgasm was beyond words, it seemed it took me minutes to recover. By the time I realized I was back in our secret hotel room in London, his forehead landed on mine while his hips follow a manic rhythm. His sighs and moans as he brushes his sweet warm breath over my skin.

With the last bits of power I still had in me, I turn my head up to reach his lips. My lips grasp his bottom lip as my tongue swirled over it. His teeth gently gritted my lip, his moans still moving through his mouth. My kisses moved from his mouth to his jaw, over his chin and to his throat.

I felt him stretch and tense all his muscles when my pecks reached the hollow of his throat. The explosion of his life giving juices in my center tipped me over the edge once again. I felt how my walls milked him completely as my body shuddered and squirmed under his heavy frame. This orgasm was strong, heavy and short.

_ “Oh God…,” _  escaped my throat in a loud husky moan so unexpectedly, I almost giggled afterward.

His warm seed had filled me and I felt so complete. His exhausted body rests on top of me, like a warm blanket of love.

_ “Don’t want to crush you with my weight,” _  he whispered, apologizing against my cheek, caressing my flushed skin. I stopped him from moving away. I love this kind of togetherness, it was heavy, warm and all I wished for at the time.

_ “Don’t worry, it’s okay,”  _ I whispered back, holding him as close as I could. He slowly turned with me on his side. He admired my face and brushed his fingertips over my flushed cheeks. His admiring gaze made me shy and nervous.

_ “Your afterglow is one of the most precious things I ever saw,” _  he lovingly stated, pressing a small kiss on the tip of my nose. His arms wrapped us in a cocoon of the soft bedding and in his warm embrace. My head rested on his chest while my fingers crawled through the short hairs covering it.

His head rested on top of mine, his lips grazed my crown and lightly pressed an occasional kiss on it. We didn’t say much, both still exhausted from the wonderful lovemaking session.

Suddenly, he moved my body up so he could meet my eyes as he lays on his side. He supported his head on his elbow, while the other hand rested on my stomach.

_ “I love looking at you,” _ he chuckled as he lowered his head a kissed me on my lips. He moved back and noticed how he had created a smile on my face. 

_ “Mmmm…” _ I hummed and smiled, crawling closer to him,  _ “You sure know how to exhaust a woman.” _ My voice was soft and I felt sleep veiling over me. Before my eyes fully closed, I felt how his arms gloved around me and how his stomach and chest connected with my bare skin. 

He held me close, warm and safe. I snuggled closer and felt how sleep took me in its grip. My body went numb and heavy, I was sure some parts of my body would be sore in the morning, but at this point, I didn’t care. I was in David’s arms, and that’s where I was staying. 

 

Floating between sleep and being awake I swear I heard a soft voice say: “I love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave your thoughts behind...


	4. * Since you're the only one that matters. Tell me who do I run to?*

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I love you”
> 
> Nothing more than a sweet whisper that kept invading my mind. I needed to know if he really spoke these words or that it was just imagination. My head rested again the window frame staring into the coldness of the night, doubting what to do.

**_Unknown hotel - London_ **

**_24th February 2019_ **

 

The words kept echoing through my head during my sleep …  _ “I love you”. _ I didn’t know if I heard them for real or just in my make-believe mind, maybe I just wanted to hear them, maybe it’s just all in my head, maybe David didn’t say them at all, maybe he didn’t even love me at all.

I shivered when I suddenly sat up straight in bed. Sweat dripping from my skin, my eyes wide open and fear on my face, the nightmare had finally woken me.

My breath raced in and out of my lungs, my heart pounding out of control, I wrapped the sheet around my naked chest and tried to focus, to calm down, to…

My eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room. A hint of light peeped through the curtains coming from outside. I heard how the wind howled through the streets and how hail slammed the windows. I gently slipped out of the bed, trying not to wake David who was still deeply asleep, his arm covered my stomach. His relaxed body was so calming to watch. 

I wrapped a blanket around my naked skin when I tiptoed towards the window. The always so busy streets of London, now empty and filled with wind and snow. In a way, it calmed me down. The silence of the snow and sound the wind made. 

A few deep breaths later I felt myself calm down, but still, the words echoed through my brain. 

_ “I love you” _

Nothing more than a sweet whisper that kept invading my mind. I needed to know if he really spoke these words or that it was just imagination. My head rested again the window frame staring into the coldness of the night, doubting what to do.

_ “Trying to sneak out, are we?” _ his voice startled me, making me turn around, his bare chest was wrapped into the soft covers of the bed. I noticed the shimmer in his eyes when the light veiled on him. He sat up and looked lovingly at me.

His smile warmed my heart, but my worries didn’t fade away. 

_ “That’s not my style, you know that!”  _ I whispered back at him, taking away his doubts, slowly leaving the window, making my way over to the bed. 

He sat up and welcomed me back next to him. I sat up and his arm wrapped around me, making me land against his chest. 

_ “I couldn’t sleep, had a bad dream,” _ I swiftly said while my hand held his chest and I snuggled closer.   
  
_ “Tell me…” _ he mumbled against my temple, gently pressing his lips on my skin. 

I tried to talk him out of it, saying it wasn’t important, but he insisted.  _ “A nightmare is something you worry about, so tell me…”  _

Could I really share this with him? In fact, I just wanted to know what it was that he felt… Did he really say “I love you” and if he did, what does that mean… ?

My mind tried to process things fast and I feel myself go in overdrive. Panic surfaced and tears started streaming down my cheeks. My mind was puzzled, I needed to be honest, need to get it out.

So I started, with a detour to get to my point:  _ “I just wondered what’s really going on between Monique and you, do you  _ **_love_ ** _ her?” _ I needed my time to get it out, through my sobs. I really didn’t want to look this vulnerable, but I just couldn’t hold back the tears and I couldn’t pretend to be ok with it. Like I used to do ages ago. Now, this was me being honest.

It had hurt me so much seeing him with this younger woman. The moment he introduced her to me when we were doing the 10th season of x files. It felt like a knife right through my heart, I was heartbroken. We had shared a wonderful romance, spending almost every spare time we had together, trying to make it work. And it did work, we were so happy, we were so good together and then all of a sudden SHE came in our lives.

I took my revenge and dated Pete, but deep down in my heart, I never stopped loving David. My heart was broken and drowned myself into a serious relationship with Peter. He loves me, I know, and I love him, but it will always be David. 

His eyes never left my face, his thumb stopped my tears from running down my cheek. I wasn’t the crying type, but this had hit me hard. I wasn’t planning on losing him again. I wanted this to be real, to finally admit to our feelings, to finally be together.  

His gaze got from compassion to adoration to a more serious glow, still filled with love though. I noticed he needed, wanted even, to let me know, but I saw how he struggled and hesitated. And I from my part was afraid of what he was going to tell me. In fact, I didn’t want to hear it, I regretted my question already. 

_ “Uhm”,  _ he started, a bit caught off guard and uneasy, “ _ … Gill, do you know how often I’ve really fallen in love with someone?”  _ his question overwhelmed me, I didn’t expect him to answer my question, with another question. David wasn’t the guy who was open about his personal life and certainly not about the women in his life. He was a sensitive guy, especially with her, but talking about feelings wasn’t the easiest thing for him to do. 

He had the talent to let everything seem like a big mystery, an enigma. No one really knew the real David. 

I couldn’t hide the question caught me by surprise, I stumbled and didn’t really know what to say. I hesitated at first, but eventually, I managed to answer. 

_ “I know you love women in general, Dave, you love the female body too much and when I look at Monique, she’s young and very pretty…” _  I started rambling, not having one clue he wanted me to know or to say. He stopped me immediately after I started about Monique.

_ “No Gill, don’t get me wrong, I mean ‘really fallen for someone’, completely, head over heels, that kind…”  _ he corrected me gently. His voice was soft and his gaze bore deep into my soul. His hand found my fingers and I felt how he passed his warmth over to my cold hand. 

_ “Uhm…” _  I couldn’t really answer and I have to admit, I was scared to answer. Scared to get hurt or to say something wrong. Not that he gave me the impression I could say things wrong, but still. I guess my insecurity surfaced. 

_ “I’ve had many women, I know that and so do you, I can’t shake that, I have to admit that they were there, but  _ **_falling in love - really falling for someone -_ ** _ , is something else.”  _ He stopped for a second and sighed, he looked at me and slowly, his hand had moved to my face, where he cupped my cheek and played with my hair a bit. As if he wanted me to know the difference, I wanted me to feel the difference. 

In his eyes, I saw the determination of letting me know. 

_ “But Gillian, I want you to know,” he paused, “I  _ **_need_ ** _ you to know, I’ve only fallen in love twice in all those years…”  _ his honesty touched me deep into my heart, he seemed so vulnerable pouring his heart out as he did. I knew he wasn’t like this at all, but for some reason, I brought out the vulnerable part of him, the part where he allowed me to look into his heart.

I didn’t say anything, I just listened and waited.

_ “Téa, I married her, she gave me two beautiful children, whom I adore and I still love Téa. I still do…”  _ he teared up as her name passed his lips. I knew how he loved his ex-wife and his children. 

My eyes were locked with his, I felt his pain and he - I was so sure - felt mine. He read my face like he never did anything else, I was an open book.

_ “Before Téa, I can’t really say when it happened precisely, there was this other woman. Beautiful, smart, wonderful and her giggles warmed my heart the instant I heard them for the first time. She stole my heart beyond my willpower and she still does…”  _ he stopped and stared deeply into my eyes. He waited for a second and continued.

_ “It’s you... Gillian… always been you and it always will.”  _ his voice pierced my ears and went straight to my heart. It fluttered, I didn’t see this coming, not from him, not from David. 

Before I could speak, my mouth opened, but he stopped me…  _ “So please, don’t ask me about Monique, it may sound strange, but she is a nice girl and yes… we have fun… but Gillian…” _ he looked at our entwined hands, he stared deep into my eyes,  _ “You… Gillian… you are the woman I love, always have and always will.”  _ He waited. _ “I know I’ve hurt you so much, which I regret, but I can’t turn back time, I wish I could.” _

I couldn’t speak, David wasn’t the guy who was this open about feelings, and now so suddenly he said these loaded words - to me. 

I wanted to ask him about the “I love you” I might have heard yesterday, but he didn’t let me speak.

His lips found mine and he kissed me more passionately than he ever did before. His mouth carefully parted my lips and the sensation I felt when his tongue slid mine was out of this world. His kiss was beyond words, I couldn’t even describe in words how it made me feel. 

He gave all he had to give in this kiss, his passion, his trust, his honesty, and his love. He wanted me to know he was serious about this, about us. 

He moved from my lips over my jawline to my ear. He whispered, while his breath brushed my flushed skin:  _ “I love you”  _ and suddenly I knew. I knew he had spoken those 3 loaded words before I fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading...  
> Tell me what you think x

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading my Gillovny madness!
> 
> xxx
> 
> A big thank you to @fragilevixen, @kyouryokusenshi and @icannotjustify for helping me.


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